“A Message from OMB’s President (Rebecca Davis Merritt) and Vice President (Jennifer) about Domestic Violence by Proxy: You have probably seen OMB’s informational poster about why we advocate not using the term or “theory” of Parental Alienation. We post it once a month encouraging our readers to understand that the controlling behaviors of Cluster B parents in trying to place a wedge between the children and healthy parent is Domestic Violence by Proxy. The emotional abuse of a Cluster B is domestic Violence (DV). When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent.
They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations.
As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent. The Cluster B parent often blames the healthy parent for his or her own actions, claiming parental alienation (PA). If the children distrust Cluster B parent based upon a history of abusive behaviors, this estrangement is labeled as PA. The healthy parent, unfortunately, is at serious risk of losing custody in family court.
Men who physically batter their former partner are much more likely to gain custody than the healthy parent. Courts have been taught that women claiming DV in family court are usually lying and using this false claim to secure custody. Even when DV claims are accepted, courts falsely believe DV only affects direct victim and that abusers can be good parents to their children. Once Cluster Bs have the children away from the healthy parent, they use manipulation and other forms of abuse to convince the children that their other parent never loved them and are untrustworthy. Alina Patterson (2003) first defined Domestic Violence by Proxy or DV Proxy. DV Proxy is a pattern of behavior where a parent with a history of using domestic violence, or intimidation uses the child (as a substitute) when s/he does not have access to the former partner. Continuing the cycle of domestic violence, the cycle of Domestic Violence by Proxy starts when the victim leaves the abuser and the abuser learns the easiest way to continue to harm and control the former partner is through controlling access to the children.
Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.”
As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.” Unlike Gardner’s discredited PAS theory, the behaviors associated with DV by proxy are visible. Gardner stated the behaviors by the “alienating parent” were unconscious or unseen. This is one of the scarier components in Gardner’s theory because you cannot defend yourself against unseen things. Many healthy parents have found themselves trying to defend themselves against these unseen behaviors.
Family court professionals often fail to understand the presence and implications of both domestic violence and Cluster B psychopathology. Thus family court usually encourages unfettered access of the children to abusers. Family court judges and lawyers often work to punish healthy parents reporting bona fide abuse. Yet, they often seem to believe the victim stories told by abusers. Court officials often seem slow to recognize how family court itself can be abusive, particularly protracted, repeated, unnecessary court hearings used by the abuser to drain the financial and emotional resources of the healthy parent. Children may be placed with the abuser while the healthy parent is discredited through accusations of mental illness or PA. Other professionals involved including GALs, evaluators, therapists, etc. often take on responsibilities that are beyond their skill level. Antisocial and or Narcissistic personality disordered parents with good impression management skills are adept at “conning people, or gaining sympathy, and can win the trust and support of a family court professional while turning that same person against their ex-partner.”
The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won. It is imperative that the healthy parent and attorney understands how to use DV by proxy to counter and claims of parental alienation.
The following links may also be helpful: http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/Hoult-PASarticlechildrenslawjournal.pdfhttps://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.htmlhttp://www.dvleap.org/Programs/CustodyAbuseProject/PASCaseOverview.as
###One Mom’s Battle: Our mission at One Mom’s Battle is to increase awareness of Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder) and their impact upon shared parenting and the Family Court System which includes Judges, CPS workers, Guardian ad Litems (GAL), Parenting Coordinators (PC), Custody Evaluators, therapists and attorneys. Education on Cluster B disorders will allow these professionals to truly act in the best interest of the children.
History of One Mom’s Battle: In 2009, One Mom’s Battle began with one mother, (Tina Swithin), navigating the choppy waters of a high-conflict divorce in the Family Court System. Since then, it has turned into a grassroots movement reaching the far corners of the Earth. Tina’s battle spanned from 2009 – 2014 during which time she acted as her own attorney. Ultimately, Tina was successful in protecting her daughters and her family has enjoyed complete peace since October 2014 when a Family Court commissioner called her ex-husband a “sociopath” and revoked his parenting time in a final custody order.Tina Swithin: Tina Swithin’s books are available online at Amazon (print, Kindle or audio format). Each year, Tina offers life-changing weekends of camaraderie and healing at the Lemonade Power Retreat. Tina also offers one-on-one coaching services and a private, secure forum called, The Lemonade Club, for those enduring high-conflict custody battles.”https://www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/domestic-violence-by-proxy
Our beautiful life was stolen from us. An innocent child was forced to finish growing up without his Mother, while I went from the Mom expected to do everything to not allowed to even send a Birthday or Christmas card.
It’s illegal to continue filing custody motions within less than two years of a custody decision. But Judge Levinson and Natalie Koga, Child Rep didn’t care. My ex-husband filed EIGHT petitions for Custody, forcing my son and I into abusive litigation that lasted over six years, with countless harassing motions and delays so I would run out of money for representation. Many hearings were set at the last minute so I would lose income. Custody would no sooner be decided in my favor, when he would charge back into court with ever new and shifting allegations. This made it impossible to earn a living. Verbal and emotional abuse, and physical intimidation by the attorneys became customary.
Judgment in early 2012. But at the last moment she demanded to “stay on free of charge” – her opportunity to churn and charge the case, and advocate for my ex-husband’s twisted campaign. After they finally erased me from my child’s life, suddenly she produced an enormous bill, and continued adding to it! Judge Levinson simply rubber-stamped it at the very last moment. 
Shrinks with sanctions on their licenses were brought late into the case – Koga’s strategy to override the findings of one of the most highly respected custody evaluators in the state, Dr. David Finn’s evaluation recommending custody to me, with findings of Pathological Parental Alienation, Domestic Violence and family exploitation against my ex-husband.
When I could no longer afford an attorney, I stood alone, mute, not allowed to present evidence, while Koga and opposing counsel #6 Meg Jackson, stood together, insulting me, lying, all the while laughing, too many times to count. This forced me to file my evidence into the court record through Affidavits. It’s all in there, but wasn’t allowed to be presented in court. They thought depriving a child of his Mother while demeaning her in public was amusing. Judge Alfred Levinson joined in taking twisted pleasure in the cruel charade.
vicious email sent LESS THAN ONE DAY after my elderly, ill father passed away at our family farm – 150 MILES AWAY FROM JUDGE LEVINSON’S ROLLING MEADOWS, IL COURTROOM – TRYING TO BULLY ME INTO NOT ATTENDING MY FATHER’S FUNERAL! Since when do divorce lawyers have any business trying to decide who goes to private family funeral?
It is interesting that three key people from my case all abruptly “retired” around the same time. Judge Levinson retired a year early, around the same time as child representative, Natalie Koga (age 52), as well as Elliot Heidelberger. Levinson & Heidelberger both retired on the same day. Another attorney, Meg Jackson, was left off the ARDC lawyer registration for awhile, then came back with a different first name – “Mary Elizabeth”, and moved her practice to a different county. “When a ship is sinking, rats jump ship. So most likely, they were afraid of some inquiry by the ARDC (Attorney Registration & Disciplinary Commission, or JIB (Judicial Inquiry Board) (and for the JIB, they made sure they were there long enough to collect their government pension.) Most are not afraid of any inquiry because neither the ARDC or JIB really care about bad lawyers/judges. They only care to get rid of those who make the profession look bad – that means either public (or soon to be made public) screwups, or those making the profession look bad by exposing the corruption.” – A Chicago Attorney familiar with my case
They don’t want you to walk on the beach, go to the woods, garden, go barefoot savoring the cool grass between your toes, further your education or career, rest, laugh, make art, or just take a healthy break from abusive talk therapy used to spin against you in their reports paid for by the other side – or anything else that challenges their power and control over their cash cows. 
AMother'sHeartSongsUnsilenced 