On Sunday, August 1, 2021, over one hundred mothers submitted a formal complaint to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women denouncing the United States Government, and the states within for systematic human rights violations waged against women and children throughout the family court systems in the country. The Complaint alleges human rights violations that include systematic gender bias, discrimination on the basis of sex, and facilitation of physical, sexual, financial, legal, and emotional abuse of women and children.The Complaint was submitted by advocacy groups One Mom’s Battle and Custody Peace with over one hundred women throughout the United States joining in the Complaint.
Through personal letters submitted with the Complaint, these brave women provided firsthand accounts of their experience suffering injustices and human rights violations in family court.The Claim submitted to the UN documents disturbing trends throughout family courts in the U.S. including a failure to recognize coercive control tactics as domestic violence warranting court intervention, the tendency of judges to discredit mothers’ child abuse allegations particularly when the father alleges parental alienation as a counterclaim, the weaponization of the family court system itself by an abuser as a means to harass and control a domestic violence victim, punishment of women who raise child safety and abuse concerns by stripping them of custody rights, and judges’ bias towards and unfavorable treatment of women who resist shared parenting with an ex-intimate partner who abused them and/or their child, often leading to a dismissal of these women as simply angry, emotional or crazy.
Learn more, donate to the movement, or to join the Global Family Court Advocacy Community at www.custody-peace.org
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is an American clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, media expert, and author. This three part series explores in depth the Malignant Narcissist.
Part 1 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J4MEQ3N03w
Part 2 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0iUJjxt40c
Part 3 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWx_T6UfZiE
Saturday, August 14, 2021, 1-4 PM CDT
“When we think about narcissistic abuse, recovery is impacted by numerous processes – it’s not just about the frustrations, hurts, traumas, and emotional abuse that occurs within these relationships, but a much deeper iceberg – legacy issues, self-blame, shame, trauma bonds, and lots of dissonance. ….This workshop will provide an overview of and deep dive into these “core issues,” link these to the vulnerabilities to narcissism and high conflict personality styles, as well as how they impact healing, recovering, and getting stuck in these relationships. This workshop will also take on a sort of 5-part life map that guides you through the areas of life that are affected by narcissistic abuse, how to address these areas of your life, and consider them whether you are still in the relationship, are no longer in the relationships, or aren’t sure what to do. … I do hope you can join this workshop – there will be a brief overview of the patterns observed in narcissistic abuse survivors, dynamics inherent in these relationships, a review of family roles and risk factors for narcissistic relationships and then an introduction to the CORE model and the 5-part life map as a way of understanding some of the root issues to help you navigate, survive, recover, and hopefully avoid these relationships in the future.”
“An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” -Viktor Frankl
He should know, he’s the world-famous psychiatrist who survived the Nazi Holocaust, along with their murder of every single one of his family members.
All abusers, and all corrupt court parasites in the Family Court Holocaust label abuse victims as “mentally ill”. That’s the way the game is played, and rigged. All the better to silence you so they can continue whatever their game of abuse at the moment happens to be. And then of course, to harvest victims for the litigation-therapy racket.
But if they really hit the jackpot with a victim with some real financial assets, then look out because you’re ripe for probate court crimes, i.e. conservatorship or guardianship abuse. Or in my case, Elder Abuse of my father – Financial Exploitation of An Elderly Person With a Disability, which for the high dollar amount in our case, just happens to be a Class I Felony here in Illinois.
The most famous, current example is Britney Spears, whose corrupt child custody case fed directly into her current 13-year long Conservatorship nightmare. All abusers and court parasites know the best way to control a woman is through their kids. Britney was threatened with you’d better agree to this conservatorship or you’ll never see your kids again.
She had good reason to believe them too, as Jane Shatz – (who lost her license in California for misconduct & is now trying to get licensed in Nevada) – wrote a fraudulent custody evaluation for the kids’ father, Jason Federline & Spears’ very own father – the perfect team of misogynistic domestic abusers ganging up on the woman in the family, you know – just keeping her in her place, right? You know, that little woman whose hard work, and world class talent is feeding, clothing and housing them all. Now, at age 39, Spears has finally said NO, this is enough.
I should know too – my ex-husband and his gang of court parasites and psychopaths, trying their best to label me as “crazy”. They were so frustrated, they thought they had finally won this key play in the abusers/court parasite handbook. Imagine their surprise when their little Gaslighting scam on me failed. And all they had to show for their manipulations was “Adjustment Disorder” – Situational Depression/Anxiety caused by THEM – BY THEIR LEGAL & FINANCIAL ABUSE!
And while our four generation family farm wealth certainly pails in comparison to what an abusive ex & court parasites can steal from a mega star like Britney Spears, my share of our estate was ripe for their pickings, with an elderly father ill with Parkinson’s, and his wife’s health failing from failed back surgery syndrome. But if it was this easy to commit all these crimes against a major world pop star, just think how easy it is to do to the rest of us?!
Protective parents: Terms matter in the legal arena.
ABUSER, not NARCISSIST. Child abuse and domestic violence are crimes; the result of choice, not caused by mental illness or personality disorder. An abuser may also have a personality disorder, but this isn’t what causes the abuse. Calling abusive people “narcissists” reinforces legal excuses to ignore crime. Those suffering from personality disorder deserve respect, help, and support. Perpetrators of inter-family abuse suffering from personality disorder first need to encounter meaningful legal restriction before a violation of social boundary is established, the first step in their treatment.
Those suffering due to perpetrated inter-family abuse should not be subjected to mediation/ADR/psychological tests that register trauma as pathology/court-ordered co-parenting classes/referred to as a High Conflict litigant.
Domestic Violence by PROXY, not ALIENATION. Using the term Alienation-saying that a coercively controlling abusive parent is Alienating the children reinforces the myth that this behavior is more common and less serious than it actually is in contested custody cases, which adds fuel to the training organization’s fire that training in this legal tactic is justified.
Instead of adding the multitude of domestic violence cases to reinforce the legal excuse that allows abuse to be ignored by using this mild term, which doesn’t adequately represent a potentially fatal pattern of coercive control, the use of terms like Domestic Violence by Proxy child abuse or inter-family coercive control establishes advocacy for child protection and child safety in our courts.
“If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating…”
from “If” by Rudyard Kipling
This is part one in a series exploring the various tactics Gaslighters use to silence, control, isolate, marginalize, and psychologically torture their victims. This article will explore the double bind – the no-win situation engineered by the Gaslighter. One psychoanalyst, Lenoard Shengold, described this process as “soul murder”.
Gaslighting, at it’s very core, is an attempt to “drive someone crazy”, and to orchestrate this belief in the victim’s support system, to isolate them. It’s a calculated, preemptive strategy to discredit the victim, so that the Gaslighter can abuse with impunity, while even recruiting proxies to join in. Thus, the abuser escapes accountability, the victim is alone, making it impossible to fight back, while a group of proxy abusers is formed, frequently even from the victim’s own family, who will carry on the abuse, group or family mobbing and social bullying, even in their absence.
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim’s beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.”
“The term originates in the systematic psychological manipulation of a victim by her husband in Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play Gas Light, and the film adaptations released in 1940 and 1944. In the story, the husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment and insisting that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes. Gaslighting-Wikipedia
One of the most insidious, underhanded tactics Gaslighters use, is to manufacture situations where the victim cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither opt out, or resolve the situation. So, the double-bind is two conflicting demands, neither of which can be ignored or escaped. The victim is torn both ways, and no matter which way they turn, or how hard they try, they can never win. The Gaslighter knows the game is rigged, but the victim doesn’t find out until they have exhausted every possible attempt to satisfy the demands of the Gaslighter.
A few of my own personal examples are as follows: The Gaslighter regularly complained that he needed me to “make more money”. Unknown to me, he went behind my back to my family making those same false allegations, while turning on his magnificent “charm”. It’s important to note that not only was there a heavy guilt trip, demanding that I “do more”, facts were conveniently missing from these statements and demands – the money I was earning already, along with the substantial savings by having no child care expense.
I was already well-trained by the Gaslighter to believe anything that went wrong must be my fault, and could be fixed if I’d only try harder. So, I got more employment, but it would require the Gaslighter to help by putting our child on the school bus two mornings per week. He readily agreed, and so I began the job. However, after a few weeks, the Gaslighter made vague excuses and suddenly wasn’t available, even though his job allowed him to do it.
This happened repeatedly. The Gaslighter loudly complaining about a fictitious lack of money for all to hear. Then I would start a job, only to have him duck out on his responsibilities after a few weeks. It became a repeating cycle, with the Gaslighter sabotaging my employment every single time. Yet, he continued blaming me for not earning enough, and complaining about my so-called “unwillingness to work” behind my back to my family, while of course, never admitting that he was purposely sabotaging it.
Another double-bind the Gaslighter manufactured was “losing the house”. The family home went into foreclosure during the separation, when the Gaslighter stopped paying the mortgage. However, the mortgage was only in his name, and I had no legal rights to even talk to the bank, much less pay the mortgage.
But yet, I was the only one attending all of the foreclosure court dates downtown at the Chicago Daley Center – alone. After considerable effort, with the help of a foreclosure community action group, I somehow even managed to work my way up to the very top of management at Bank of America, obtaining an unheard of meeting with the VP of State Government Relations. This bank executive put me into a cab with her where we went to meet with the underwriter. A deal was offered that would have allowed us to keep the family home for our child. They agreed to refinance the loan, and allow me to assume the mortgage after a month’s time.
All the Gaslighter had to do was provide documents directly to the bank to process the refinance, since the mortgage was only in his name. Then, after refinancing, they would let me assume the loan. So not only could the family home be saved for our child, the Gaslighter would no longer have a foreclosure on his record. This was beneficial to him as well.
The VP of Government Relations sent an email to the Gaslighter, outlining the bank’s offer, as well as assurance his information would be confidential, and I would not have access to it. However, the Gaslighter refused to provide the documents. He wasn’t asked for any money-only documents.
This double-bind was set up so that he could blame the loss of our house on ME, while omitting the fact that he made it happen.
With this strategy, he was able to falsely portray me as a lazy person who couldn’t be trusted with money, to my family. These are a few of the tactics that enabled him to influence my elderly, ill father to give him tens of thousands of dollars for family court lawyers, and to sign over my share of our four generation family farm trust to him. It also enabled him to get money out of my very elderly grandmother.
It can be a very arduous, painful process, but, the victim can slowly heal from the deep traumas created by the Gaslighter. In time, with hard work, much perseverance, and a strong support system, the victim can re-claim their own voice. It may be difficult to see, but there is life out there beyond Gaslighting, abuse, trauma, and social bullying.
Naive, easily-deceived people may be forever lost to us. And, there are those who will never be able to let go of the Gaslighter’s smear campaign because it serves their psychological need for a scapegoat. There are also those simply too proud to admit they were duped. While they may be lost forever, the world keeps turning, life goes on without them, and I wish them well. But, one by one, many have also quietly come to offer heart-felt apologies for listening to the lies, and participating in the family mobbing, as they have finally taken the time to remember who I am, and investigate all of the facts.
Sadly, the Gaslighter will always be who they are, forever trapped in their sick, compulsive need to control others, and use them to soothe their fragile egos. But the victim can heal, and there is much joy out there in the real world, free from days spent being traumatized, isolated and exploited by a Gaslighter.
It is important to note, that if you have been fooled or manipulated by a Gaslighter, you are a victim too. Gaslighters are very highly skilled manipulators, and most people have difficulty seeing through their considerable charm, elaborate layers of lies, subtle manipulations and distortions of the truth, and their seemingly uncanny ability to zero in on each victim’s particular emotional weak point, to manipulate them for the desired effect. Most people don’t operate in this purposely deceitful manner, and so they naturally don’t expect others to do so, particular when it is someone you love, trust and admire, or sadly, even rely upon. Don’t be too hard on yourself, if you too were deceived about the victim. Victims come to realize that those who were manipulated against them are not really to blame – the real blame lies with the Gaslighter!
Please visit the Resources page for further information on Gaslighting: Resources
“When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent. They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations. As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent.
Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.
DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.” As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.”
The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won.”
COMPLETE ARTICLE: Domestic Violence by Proxy
FOG =Fear, Obligation & Guilt. FOG is hard to see through, hard to walk through, and easy to get lost in. But you don’t have to.
It can be hard to understand how to break free from the FOG created by harmful relationships or unhealthy relationship dynamics. It can be equally hard to understand why we at times feel so stuck. There can be times when we know it’s not healthy, we can see the harmful behaviors, know we are being lied to or manipulated, but feel powerless to chart a healthier course for ourselves. Not all scars are visible. Sometimes the most painful wounds can be well hidden, even from ourselves. But we can overcome them. We can take back our power when we learn how. When we learn what is holding us back, we can overcome it all. Our relationships don’t have to hurt.
But to do so, first we need to understand Coercive Control, Gaslighting, Traumatic Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome. Fancy terms that all boil down to the invisible psychological bonds that keep us enslaved in relationships that we know are hurting us. Traumatic Bonding is very powerful; it is intermittent positive reinforcement that we cling to, in the hopes that the bad will never happen again. Once we understand these concepts, then we understand how manipulative people exert their subtle and unseen control over us, and even others around us.
Coercive Control Collective “Coercive and controlling abuse impacts a survivor’s sense of safety, identity, autonomy and their attachments to others. Without understanding this dynamic and its full impact, victims who have survived this particular type of trauma continue to be isolated by the complexity of their experience and their needs for recovery are misunderstood and unmet.”
11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting “Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. ”
The Place of Stockholm Syndrome in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome “Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological term used to describe the paradoxical phenomenon of the relationship that develops between a captor and its hostage. In such a relationship, to the amazement of onlookers, the hostage expresses empathy and positive feelings towards their abusive captor, and often they will display a desire to defend them.”
5 Signs You’re In A Dangerous Trauma Bond With A Toxic Person “A trauma bond is a bond that forms due to intense, emotional experiences, usually with a toxic person. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, it holds us emotionally captive to a manipulator who keeps us “hostage” – whether that be through physical or emotional abuse. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, these types of destructive attachments are known as “betrayal bonds” and can take place in any context where a relationship can be forged. They can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, within the family, and the workplace.”
10 Steps to Recovering From a Traumatic Bond “Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement—or at least the hope of something better to come. Trauma bonds occur in extreme situations such as abusive relationships, hostage situations, and incestuous relationships, but also in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction—the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.”
Boundaries and self-care are important, healthy and necessary. It’s not selfish to love and value yourself!