Dr. Ramani Durvasula is an American clinical psychologist, professor of psychology, media expert, and author. This three part series explores in depth the Malignant Narcissist.
Part 1 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3J4MEQ3N03w
Part 2 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0iUJjxt40c
Part 3 of 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWx_T6UfZiE
Here is a copy of Ms. Hadzi-Tanovic’s Federal Complaint against ex-husband Slabodan Pavlovich, Associate Judge Robert W. Johnson, and former powerful attorney David Pasulka, who acted as the Guardian ad Litem on the Case. Pasulka also formerly headed a secret list of lawyers chosen for the highly lucrative appointments as GAL’s & Child Reps in Cook County Chicago. Recently, the IL ARDC finally acted to disbar Pasulka, after many years of ignored complaints. True to the pattern of bad judges and lawyers protecting one another through the IL ARDC, Judicial Inquiry Board, and the head judge offices, they only acted after significant publicity. Sadly, bad judges and lawyers continue causing serious harm to children and families on a routine basis, only facing consequences once the negative publicity finally becomes too great to ignore. In this case, the IL ARDC finally acted against Pasulka only after attorney Lawrence Thompson’s open letter calling for the resignations of Cook County’s head judges Tim Evans and Grace Dickler, for allowing Paulka to remain in power, was aired on CBS Channel 2 News. https://songsunsilenced.wordpress.com/2021/03/23/attorney-claims-top-chicago-judges-enabled-embattled-lawyer-david-pasulka-to-have-unchecked-power-in-selecting-family-lawyers/
“Aneta Hadzi-Tanovic, leader of the local Illinois Women’s Coalition, has filed an $8 million federal lawsuit against Family Court judge Robert Wade Johnson, the GAL, and her ex for conspiring to deprive her under the color of law of her right to due process and equal protection, as well as for the intentional torts “abuse of process” and “intentional infliction of emotional distress”.
Aneta’s custody nightmare mirrors women’s cases all over the country and world in which Family Court judges disregard substantial negative evidence about the father, and fabricate negative evidence about the mother, in order to justify switching custody to the father.” Mom Sues Judge, GAL and Ex For $8M In U.S. Federal Court
LAWSUIT COUNTS
1. Conspiracy to deprive of due process [42 U.S.C. §1983]
2. Conspiracy to deprive of equal protection under the law [42 U.S.C. §1983]
3. Abuse of process [intentional tort]
4. Intentional infliction of emotional distress [intentional tort]
“If you can wait & not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating…”
from “If” by Rudyard Kipling
It’s devastating to be forced into the role of someone’s scapegoat; to be used against your will as a toxic waste dump for the sins, shame, and “secrets” of others, a soul crushing, life-altering role nobody would ever sign up for. Yet, this is precisely how the Scapegoaters & Gaslighters want their target to feel.
It’s being confronted with the worst possible violations of social norms, morals, and ethical behavior. It’s looking that horrible behavior straight in the eye, and vowing never to treat anyone else that way. They teach us how not to be.
And then it slowly dawns on you that out in the “real world”, everyone else has seen through their crazy, shared delusions all along! That to everyone else, these people really “aren’t all that” like they think they are. Otherwise, why would they have to work so hard to convince you in the first place?
You slowly emerge from their darkness, and build relationships where you never have to worry about when the other shoe will drop, and you can feel anchored and secure. You form friendships with those who would never think of bullying you or playing mind games, because they don’t need to. People who enjoy lifting you up, who give and receive love with no hidden agenda.
It’s becoming someone who survived a holocaust you weren’t meant to survive. The perpetrators certainly didn’t expect you to, but somehow you did.
And with the knowledge that you really can survive anything – even people trying to bully you to death through family court – you realize you’ve become someone who’s not afraid of any challenge life can throw your way, because deep inside you know you’ve already survived the very worst abuse anyone could possibly dole out
And then you finally see that this is The Gift you’ve been given – the knowledge of your own personal power in the face of sheer, unadulterated evil – and you’re grateful for it.
“Although the strengths of the narcissist family scapegoat make her a target, they are also her salvation. Her ability to see and question along with her desire for justice enable her to escape the family tyranny while others cannot. And her capacity for empathy, so unlike that of the grandiose and compassionless narcissist, gives her the ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships beyond her family of origin. The scapegoat’s redemption is breaking free.”https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-strength-of-the-scapegoat-in-the-narcissist-family_b_58b27448e4b0658fc20f9678
Protective parents: Terms matter in the legal arena.
ABUSER, not NARCISSIST. Child abuse and domestic violence are crimes; the result of choice, not caused by mental illness or personality disorder. An abuser may also have a personality disorder, but this isn’t what causes the abuse. Calling abusive people “narcissists” reinforces legal excuses to ignore crime. Those suffering from personality disorder deserve respect, help, and support. Perpetrators of inter-family abuse suffering from personality disorder first need to encounter meaningful legal restriction before a violation of social boundary is established, the first step in their treatment.
Those suffering due to perpetrated inter-family abuse should not be subjected to mediation/ADR/psychological tests that register trauma as pathology/court-ordered co-parenting classes/referred to as a High Conflict litigant.
Domestic Violence by PROXY, not ALIENATION. Using the term Alienation-saying that a coercively controlling abusive parent is Alienating the children reinforces the myth that this behavior is more common and less serious than it actually is in contested custody cases, which adds fuel to the training organization’s fire that training in this legal tactic is justified.
Instead of adding the multitude of domestic violence cases to reinforce the legal excuse that allows abuse to be ignored by using this mild term, which doesn’t adequately represent a potentially fatal pattern of coercive control, the use of terms like Domestic Violence by Proxy child abuse or inter-family coercive control establishes advocacy for child protection and child safety in our courts.
The following is an excerpt of an excellent resource on Abusive Power And Control behaviors from Wikipeda. Please see the link at the bottom of this excerpt for the complete article. It does a great job of showing many of the power and control tactics used by abusive, controlling, and manipulative people in one short article. It is also helpful in that it lists what most would consider as “positive behaviors”, i.e. doing “nice things” for someone. Most articles on abuse, power and control, and coercive control focus on the overtly negative behaviors, but leave out these positive behaviors that are also used to coerce and control others.
However, it does omit Suicidality. Many abusive, controlling and manipulative people also use threats of suicide as a means of coercive control, emotional abuse and blackmail. These suicidal threats can be overt, or more subtle references to suicide, with a manipulative, controlling intent.
“Abusive power and control (also controlling behavior and coercive control) is commonly used by an abusive person to gain and maintain power and control over another person in order to subject that victim to psychological, physical, sexual, or financial abuse. The motivations of the abuser are varied and can include devaluation, envy, personal gain, personal gratification, psychological projection, or just for the sake of the enjoyment of exercising power and control.[1]
Controlling abusers use tactics to exert power and control over their victims. The tactics themselves are psychologically and sometimes physically abusive. Control may be exerted through economic abuse, limiting the victim, as they may not have the means to resist or leave the abuse.[2] The goal of the abuser is to control, intimidate, and influence the victim to feel they do not have an equal voice in the relationship.[3]
Manipulators and abusers often control their victims with a range of tactics, including, but not limited to, positive reinforcement (such as praise, superficial charm, flattery, ingratiation, love bombing, smiling, gifts, attention), negative reinforcement (taking away aversive tasks or items), intermittent or partial reinforcement, psychological punishment (such as nagging, silent treatment, swearing, threats, intimidation, emotional blackmail, guilt trips, inattention) and traumatic tactics (such as verbal abuse or explosive anger).[4]
The vulnerabilities of the victim are exploited with those who are particularly vulnerable being most often selected as targets.[4][5][6] Traumatic bonding (also popularly known as Stockholm syndrome) can occur between the abuser and victim as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change and a climate of fear.[7] An attempt may be made to normalise, legitimise, rationalise, deny, or minimise the abusive behaviour, or blame the victim for it.[8][9][10]
Isolation, gaslighting, mind games, lying, disinformation, propaganda, destabilisation, brainwashing, and divide and rule are other strategies that are often used. The victim may be plied with alcohol or drugs or deprived of sleep to help disorientate them.[11][12] Based on statistical evidence, certain personality disorders correlate with abusive tendencies of individuals with those specific personality disorders when also compiled with abusive childhoods themselves. [13]
The seriousness of coercive control in modern Western societies has been increasingly realised with changes to the law in several countries so it is a definable criminal offence. In conjunction with this there have been increased attempts by the legal establishment to understand the characteristics and effects of coercive control in legal terminology. For example, on January 1, 2019, Ireland enacted the Domestic Violence Act 2018, which allowed for the practice of coercive control to be identifiable based upon its effects on the victim. And on this basis defining it as: ‘any evidence of deterioration in the physical, psychological, or emotional welfare of the applicant or a dependent person which is caused directly by fear of the behaviour of the respondent’.[14] On a similar basis of attempting to understand and stop the widespread practice of coercive control, in 2019, the UK government made teaching about what coercive control was a mandatory part of the education syllabus on relationships.[15] While coercive control is often considered in the context of an existing intimate relationship, when it is used to elicit a sexual encounter it is legally considered as being a constituent part of sexual abuse or rape. When it is used to begin and maintain a longer term intimate relationship it is considered to be a constituent element of sexual slavery.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_power_and_control
“In biblical lore, Aaron selected a goat on behalf of the entire tribe, cast upon it the sins of all members, and then banished it alone to the wild. The members of the tribe were then at great ease, having been freed from their cast-off sins—whatever those sins may have been.” The Blameless Burden: Scapegoating in Dysfunctional Families
A manipulative family bully with so-called secrets to try to hide aided the family court corruption, to provide a much needed distraction for open secrets that were blowing up in her face. Forcing her family to shun me accomplished her goal: create a diversion. Glomming onto my documented abuser’s smear campaign became the perfect distraction.
Slandering, and shunning someone is designed to tarnish their name, and cause emotional pain – to silence them. And if they heap enough group hatred onto the scapegoat, maybe – just maybe – they can numb their own shame and regret.
But never being allowed to confront your accusers is how the game is rigged. Could you imagine if they allowed the scapegoat back into their midst, to inform everyone of the facts conveniently missing from their stories? After they refused my invitation to join me in mediation, as well as numerous other attempts to communicate over the years, I finally faced the stark reality that they NEED a scapegoat.
Beginning when the first child was just a baby, we were forced to hear our parent’s despair about him coming to their care with bruises. It was torture to watch, as the family bully’s children were neglected and abused, a never-ending nightmare. I took care of the family bully’s children for years, while she lived her secret life, and her spouse was too beside himself from her actions, to care for them himself. Everyone in the family had to take care of these children due to her intense preoccupation with her secret activities. Finally, in desperation, the eldest begged me to teach him how to cook so they wouldn’t keep going hungry in their home.
But my parents lived in fear of her threats to “take the children out of state” if they challenged her, walking on eggshells for years, talking about calling DCFS, then trying to get the other set of parents to call for them, fearing her threats. Everybody was looking for a “fall guy” to take her wrath.
When this was dropped at my door, I did what they discussed for years. I called DCFS. And so, I became the bully’s target, with my parents too afraid to admit that calling DCFS was their idea in the first place. Also omitted from the family narrative, is the school social worker’s statement I was justified in calling DCFS, and the teacher’s aide who said they stood and cheered.
This family bully’s spouse landed on my doorstep, a total mess – utterly destroyed, and reported chilling accounts of violence that caused me nightmares for weeks. He related how she bashed his front teeth in and he needed them replaced, along with other accounts of ongoing violence whenever he dared challenge her “secret” life. Finally, everything made sense: his black eyes over the years, while he lowered his gaze in shame with flimsy excuses about “running into the barn door“, the bruises I saw on the younger girls, my parent’s reports of bruises on the children, and eye-witness accounts of physical abuse in front of their homes.
But when it came down to doing anything to protect them, both of my sets of parents talked about it endlessly, but finally putting their heads in the sand, thinking it would be better to have the children abused nearby, than face her wrath, and possibly even have the children taken out of state.
What do narcissists do to truth tellers? Dr. Ramani
“Bullies within the family, especially female bullies, are masters (mistresses?) of manipulation and are fond of manipulating people through their emotions (eg guilt) and through their beliefs, attitudes and perceptions. Bullies see any form of vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation.”
“A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that: a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarreling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people’s attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.”
“The family bully encourages and manipulates family members etc to lie, act dishonestly, withhold information, spread misinformation, and to punish the target.” A Favorite Tactic Of The Bullies In Our Family-Set People Against Each Other
“Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman.” From: Other People’s Money, Louis D. Brandeis, Supreme Court Justice
“The entire family watches on in dismay as the scapegoat informs the family that they will no longer be abused by them, and wants nothing more to do with them… Life becomes difficult for the narcissistic family when the trash can leaves. However, it becomes harder to blame the scapegoat when the endless drama between the family members continues – even when the scapegoat is nowhere to be found. The Scapegoat Walks Away’
“This is an extremely vulnerable time for survivors, and abusers are using it as an excuse to find new ways to exert control. Some of those tactics include feigning illness, not allowing family members to interact or go outside the home at all, withdrawing all money out of bank accounts, contacting the survivor’s work and falsely stating they were exposed to the virus, etc. While some of these tactics may be new and based on the public health crisis, the dynamics of power and control remain the same.
Across the country and world, there has been a serious uptick in domestic violence related crimes. Direct service agencies are seeing an influx of new cases and in some jurisdictions, law enforcement are responding to more calls. This means that survivors need support, resources, services, and shelter more than ever. Fortunately, shelters and other resources remain open during this time as essential businesses.” Coercive Control During the Pandemic: How Abusers Are Using New Tactics to Exert Power and Control
“Perpetrators may attempt to deal with extra stress and anxiety by imposing stricter and more unrealistic regimes on their families’ activities and behaviours. It’s a moment when the net of coercive control can be tightened. In fact, “social distancing” and “isolation” are core tactics of a coercively controlling partner.” Corona lockdown is a dangerous time for survivors
“For the first time (In the UK), numerous psychological and coercive behaviours became unlawful. For example, isolating a person from friends and family, monitoring their time, destroying their possessions, monitoring via online communication tools or using spyware, taking control over where people can go and who they can see, and accessing personal communication (phone and email accounts). All typically justified by perpetrators as “caring”, “because I worry about you,” or argued as acceptable because “you don’t answer my calls” and “I never know where you are or who you are with, so what do you expect.”
Lockdown is perhaps the worst situation imaginable for victims but a “gift” to abusers. Not surprisingly lockdown has resulted in a catastrophic increase in domestic abuse in the UK, which includes psychological coercion and control. Jealous and possessive partners are more easily able to leverage maximum control, using the “exercise once a day with family” rule and threatening to report absences in contravention of the lockdown rules to the authorities. Unpredictable behaviour that leaves victims feeling like they are walking on eggshells is now inescapable and victims cannot easily phone for advice or assistance, or access online advice because abusers are less likely to be going to work and may never leave the house alone.” Why Covid-19 Lockdown Is So Dangerous To People In Abusive Relationships
“When a court ordered professional begins working for one side, as Dr. Fisher clearly was in this case, it is the worst of both worlds. You have a hired gun with the veneer of independence. It is something I have seen and documented repeatedly. Dr. Stanton Samenow, not only in Chris Mackney’s case, would come in as a so-called independent arbiter but end up communicating, and often being paid, exclusively with one side. He would pretend as though his so-called expert opinion was objective while being bought and paid for and that’s what it appears happened in this case as well.
Not only with Dr. Fisher, but Natalie Koga and others in this case. The veneer of independence is one of many reasons why I believe all court ordered professionals should be outlawed immediately. They are not merely a waste of hundreds of thousands of dollars but counter-productive and often actively work to create conflict in cases in order to justify their continued involvement.”–Michael Volpe, Author of Bullied To Death: Chris Mackney’s Kafkaesque Divorce
Dr. Fisher was reprimanded by the State of Illinois for Dual Role Misconduct in a prior case. “The foregoing acts and/or omissions are violations of the “Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct” Fisher_Redacted
The APA Ethics Code Standard 3.05 states that “psychologists should refrain from entering into multiple relationships…or otherwise risks exploitation or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists.” But exploitation and harm is the strategy for these court shrinks for hire.
“It is considered unethical to switch back and forth between an evaluative and psychotherapeutic role,” David Stein, Ph.D., chair of the Forensic Psychology Committee of the California Psychological Association.
Dual Relationships, Multiple Relationships & Boundary Decisions, Kenneth S. Pope, PhD, AB
UPDATE: Child Rep Natalie Koga, Judge Alfred Levinson & lawyer Elliott Heidelberger all abruptly gave up their lucrative lawyer & judge posts in Chicago to avoid investigation. Meg Jackson, opposing counsel who Koga was caught conspiring with, changed her name to “Mary Elizabeth” & moved her law practice to Lake County, Illinois. Koga found a County Social Worker/Guardian job in Arizona. Though she’s no longer licensed, Koga still lists herself as an attorney in Chicago. Meanwhile, Cook County Chicago’s “Sex For Custody” lawyer David Pisulka, who controlled the lucrative secret list of Guardian ad Litems & Child Reps, has finally been arrested and stripped of his law license, after years of the IL ARDC ignoring grievances filed.
We survivors of Therapist Abuse by these court shrinks paid for by the highest bidder, know full well the trauma when these so-called “professionals” – the lawyers, court doctors, court therapists and hired gun evaluators – trap and re-traumatize us in their lucrative litigation therapy racket.
Forcing a trauma victim to sit in their office re-living traumatic memories against their will, while they bill by the hour, scribbling their notes, writing false reports for corrupt Child Reps, Guardian Ad Litems, and guns for hire custody evaluators. Because you are court-ordered to do it. How convenient for them to have such an endless supply of guaranteed paying clients. The truth of the matter is, they need you trapped, or they won’t have a job.
Dr. Daniel Fisher, who wrote Natalie Koga’s made to order false reports, repeated his mantra, in his saccharin-sweet, pretending to care “therapist” voice: “How’s your “therapy” going?” Probing for anything to pounce on, all the while, working for the other side.
And who could ever forget Dr. Fisher’s Academy Award-worthy performance for a packed court-room, while finishing the day’s pack of lies, after exiting the witness stand, he actually stood at attention in the middle of the courtroom, facing my ex-husband, raising his hand in a MILITARY SALUTE.
He should have bowed and curtsied too! This, my friends, is one of the many ways the players in the litigation therapy racket show their true colors, and why Cook County Chicago will not allow videotaped transcripts.
As the the hired gun crazy-makers, these therapists don’t encourage you to speak your own truth with confidence or put an accurate name to what the perpetrator did to you. An empowered victim is the LAST thing they want.
They don’t want you to walk on the beach, go to the woods, garden, go barefoot savoring the cool grass between your toes, further your education or career, rest, laugh, make art, or just take a healthy break from abusive talk therapy used to spin against you in their reports paid for by the other side – or anything else that challenges their power and control over their cash cows.
They are not encouragers. They’re not there for you to feel better.
You see, just like Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, they aren’t in it to empower people to connect with their own inner strength or heal from the trauma of abuse.
Their JOB is to Gaslight you. To minimize, and deny the abuse you suffered. To blame, and pathologize the victim. To put you off balance.
They are there to manufacture a “crazy label” for the victim in their Kids for Cash scam. Hiding abuse, and keeping it going is big business. And if they could, they would keep their cash cows trapped in their litigation therapy racket forever.
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