Tag Archives: Abuse by Proxy

When Parental Alienation (DV by Proxy) Has You Ready To Give Up, Susan S. Hofer

Being an Alienated Parent is Excruciating

An alienated parent’s life is an excruciating existence, one that takes an enormous amount of energy to live.  The results of your efforts are always filled with disappointment and pain.  What else would you do, in your life, that involves so much fortitude to be rejected every time?  No one likes rejection, but for you, the alienated parent, rejection is your new normal.  Still, it hurts each time you reach out to your precious child only to hear silence.  The wound never gets a chance to heal.https://www.susanshofer.com/when-parental-alienation-has-you-ready-to-give-up/

From One Mom’s Battle: Domestic Violence By Proxy

“A Message from OMB’s President (Rebecca Davis Merritt) and Vice President (Jennifer) about Domestic Violence by Proxy: You have probably seen OMB’s informational poster about why we advocate not using the term or “theory” of Parental Alienation. We post it once a month encouraging our readers to understand that the controlling behaviors of Cluster B parents in trying to place a wedge between the children and healthy parent is Domestic Violence by Proxy. The emotional abuse of a Cluster B is domestic Violence (DV). When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent.

They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations.

As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent. The Cluster B parent often blames the healthy parent for his or her own actions, claiming parental alienation (PA). If the children distrust Cluster B parent based upon a history of abusive behaviors, this estrangement is labeled as PA. The healthy parent, unfortunately, is at serious risk of losing custody  in family court.

Men who physically batter their former partner are much more likely to gain custody than the healthy parent.  Courts have been taught that women claiming DV in family court are usually lying and using this false claim to secure custody. Even when DV claims are accepted, courts falsely believe DV only affects direct victim and that abusers can be good parents to their children. Once Cluster Bs have the children away from the healthy parent, they use manipulation and other forms of abuse to convince the children that their other parent never loved them and are untrustworthy. Alina Patterson (2003) first defined Domestic Violence by Proxy or DV Proxy. DV Proxy is a pattern of behavior where a parent with a history of using domestic violence, or intimidation uses the child (as a substitute) when s/he does not have access to the former partner. Continuing the cycle of domestic violence, the cycle of Domestic Violence by Proxy starts when the victim leaves the abuser and the abuser learns the easiest way to continue to harm and control the former partner is through controlling access to the children.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.”

As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.” Unlike Gardner’s discredited PAS theory, the behaviors associated with DV by proxy are visible. Gardner stated the behaviors by the “alienating parent” were unconscious or unseen. This is one of the scarier components in Gardner’s theory because you cannot defend yourself against unseen things. Many healthy parents have found themselves trying to defend themselves against these unseen behaviors.

Family court professionals often fail to understand the presence and implications of both domestic violence and Cluster B psychopathology. Thus family court usually encourages unfettered access of the children to abusers. Family court judges and lawyers often work to punish healthy parents reporting bona fide abuse. Yet, they often seem to believe the victim stories told by abusers. Court officials often seem slow to recognize how family court itself can be abusive, particularly protracted, repeated, unnecessary court hearings used by the abuser to drain the financial and emotional resources of the healthy parent. Children may be placed with the abuser while the healthy parent is discredited through accusations of mental illness or PA. Other professionals involved including GALs, evaluators, therapists, etc. often take on responsibilities that are beyond their skill level. Antisocial and or Narcissistic personality disordered parents with good impression management skills are adept at “conning people, or gaining sympathy, and can win the trust and support of a family court professional while turning that same person against their ex-partner.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won. It is imperative that the healthy parent and attorney understands how to use DV by proxy to counter and claims of parental alienation.

The following links may also be helpful: http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/Hoult-PASarticlechildrenslawjournal.pdfhttps://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/dv.htmlhttp://www.dvleap.org/Programs/CustodyAbuseProject/PASCaseOverview.as 

###One Mom’s Battle: Our mission at One Mom’s Battle is to increase awareness of Cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder) and their impact upon shared parenting and the Family Court System which includes Judges, CPS workers, Guardian ad Litems (GAL), Parenting Coordinators (PC), Custody Evaluators, therapists and attorneys. Education on Cluster B disorders will allow these professionals to truly act in the best interest of the children.

History of One Mom’s Battle: In 2009, One Mom’s Battle began with one mother, (Tina Swithin), navigating the choppy waters of a high-conflict divorce in the Family Court System. Since then, it has turned into a grassroots movement reaching the far corners of the Earth. Tina’s battle spanned from 2009 – 2014 during which time she acted as her own attorney. Ultimately, Tina was successful in protecting her daughters and her family has enjoyed complete peace since October 2014 when a Family Court commissioner called her ex-husband a “sociopath” and revoked his parenting time in a final custody order.Tina Swithin: Tina Swithin’s books are available online at Amazon (print, Kindle or audio format). Each year, Tina offers life-changing weekends of camaraderie and healing at the Lemonade Power Retreat.  Tina also offers one-on-one coaching services and a private, secure forum called, The Lemonade Club, for those enduring high-conflict custody battles.”https://www.onemomsbattle.com/blog/domestic-violence-by-proxy

The Gift Of The Scapegoat, Lisa Nadig

“If you can wait & not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating…”
from “If” by Rudyard Kipling

It’s devastating to be forced into the role of someone’s scapegoat; to be used against your will as a toxic waste dump for the sins, shame, and “secrets” of others, a soul crushing, life-altering role nobody would ever sign up for. Yet, this is precisely how the Scapegoaters & Gaslighters want their target to feel.

It’s being confronted with the worst possible violations of social norms, morals, and ethical behavior. It’s looking that horrible behavior straight in the eye, and vowing never to treat anyone else that way. They teach us how not to be.

And then it slowly dawns on you that out in the “real world”, everyone else has seen through their crazy, shared delusions all along! That to everyone else, these people really “aren’t all that” like they think they are. Otherwise, why would they have to work so hard to convince you in the first place?

You slowly emerge from their darkness, and build relationships where you never have to worry about when the other shoe will drop, and you can feel anchored and secure. You form friendships with those who would never think of bullying you or playing mind games, because they don’t need to. People who enjoy lifting you up, who give and receive love with no hidden agenda.

It’s becoming someone who survived a holocaust you weren’t meant to survive. The perpetrators certainly didn’t expect you to, but somehow you did.

And with the knowledge that you really can survive anything – even people trying to bully you to death through family court – you realize you’ve become someone who’s not afraid of any challenge life can throw your way, because deep inside you know you’ve already survived the very worst abuse anyone could possibly dole out

And then you finally see that this is The Gift you’ve been given – the knowledge of your own personal power in the face of sheer, unadulterated eviland you’re grateful for it.

Although the strengths of the narcissist family scapegoat make her a target, they are also her salvation. Her ability to see and question along with her desire for justice enable her to escape the family tyranny while others cannot. And her capacity for empathy, so unlike that of the grandiose and compassionless narcissist, gives her the ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships beyond her family of origin. The scapegoat’s redemption is breaking free.”https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-strength-of-the-scapegoat-in-the-narcissist-family_b_58b27448e4b0658fc20f9678

Domestic Violence by Proxy

Protective parents: Terms matter in the legal arena.

ABUSER, not NARCISSIST. Child abuse and domestic violence are crimes; the result of choice, not caused by mental illness or personality disorder. An abuser may also have a personality disorder, but this isn’t what causes the abuse. Calling abusive people “narcissists” reinforces legal excuses to ignore crime. Those suffering from personality disorder deserve respect, help, and support. Perpetrators of inter-family abuse suffering from personality disorder first need to encounter meaningful legal restriction before a violation of social boundary is established, the first step in their treatment.

Those suffering due to perpetrated inter-family abuse should not be subjected to mediation/ADR/psychological tests that register trauma as pathology/court-ordered co-parenting classes/referred to as a High Conflict litigant.

Domestic Violence by PROXY, not ALIENATION. Using the term Alienation-saying that a coercively controlling abusive parent is Alienating the children reinforces the myth that this behavior is more common and less serious than it actually is in contested custody cases, which adds fuel to the training organization’s fire that training in this legal tactic is justified.

Instead of adding the multitude of domestic violence cases to reinforce the legal excuse that allows abuse to be ignored by using this mild term, which doesn’t adequately represent a potentially fatal pattern of coercive control, the use of terms like Domestic Violence by Proxy child abuse or inter-family coercive control establishes advocacy for child protection and child safety in our courts.

http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/pas/DVP.html?fbclid=IwAR1R0GvcIOSLoGLv5NdlUUmlYr643TvZLAWzC4O9vUHg-8eyWdhahXcL3uA

Abuse By Proxy: From Smear Campaigns to 3rd Party Stalking & Abuse, by Sam Vaknin

If you find that you have been manipulated and used to harm someone, by being recruited into participating in Abuse By Proxy, a Smear Campaign, 3rd Party Stalking or Abuse, you should know that you too have been a victim.  The blame in this situation lies with the original manipulator & abuser.

Abuse By Proxy: From Smear Campaigns to 3rd Party Stalking and Abuse

“Everything you Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse – click on this link: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq…

Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them.   If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers — in short, third parties — to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. (From the book “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” by Sam Vaknin – Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 3 DVDs with 16 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/the…)

Our children have the inalienable right to their childhoods! They deserve so much more than having their only, irreplaceable childhood stolen and used as fodder by family court insiders and their cruel money-making racket. We must have accountability and oversight in our family courts, and put an end to their Kids for Cash schemes. All judges, lawyers and court vendors must be held accountable.“-Lisa Nadig

Natalie Koga Confronted With Eye-Witness To Her Corruption

NATALIE KOGA CAUGHT RED HANDED ERASING MOM FOR PROFIT

#nataliekoga    #exposethecorruption

RlngMdwsUPDATE:  Corrupt Child Representative Natalie Koga, along with Judge Alfred Levinson & lawyer Elliott Heidelberger all abruptly, simultaneously gave up their lucrative lawyer & judge posts in Chicago to avoid investigation. Meg Jackson, who Koga was caught maliciously conspiring with, changed her name to “Mary Elizabeth” & moved her law practice to Lake County, Illinois.  Koga found a County Social Worker/Guardian job in Arizona; though she’s no longer licensed to practice law, she still lists herself as an attorney in Chicago. 

Just hope Koga can find something else to do besides harming mothers and children.”

A Chicago lawyer familiar with the case

Erasing Mom for Profit: Affidavit Filed  Letter from my former attorney Karen Conti to Natalie Koga, Child Representative, dated August 23, 2013. Confronts her with eye-witness to her collusion with my ex’s lawyer Meg Jackson (now going by “Mary-Elizabeth”), to have my ex’s hired gun Dr. Mark Goldstein write a false report about me.  Ms. Conti was my attorney before their legal/financial abuse ran me out of money to continue to afford legal representation.

Dear Natalie:

Although I have just recently become involved in this case, I am concerned with some of your actions which I have witnessed and of which I have become aware.

First, at the last court appearance, my friend was sitting on a bench outside the courtroom and overheard you speaking to Meg Jackson (Father’s) attorney (now “Mary-Elizabeth Jackson).  You obviously did not know he was my friend.  You and Meg Jackson were actively engaged in joining forces against my client and making comments about getting Dr. Goldstein, (Father’s Hired Gun Psychologist)  involved to ‘help out’ the problem; the problem being Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour’s desire to be a mother to her child.  Your disparagement of me personally was also noted which is unprofessional and petty.

Despite the 604(b) evaluator’s two reports finding that (Father) is an alienator and that (Mother) should have sole custody, you have ignored these facts and blindly advocated that (minor child) spend as little time as possible with his mother.  At trial, you vigorously fought Dr. Finn’s recommendations.  Bizarrely, in court you advocated that (minor child) be put into “after school” care rather than be allowed to have the option to walk the four blocks to spend time with his mother.  Even after Judge Levinson ordered that (Minor Child) attend (High School), and (Father) attempted to sabotage his enrollment, you did not advocate for actions necessary for him to attend school there.  On August 22, (minor child) refused to leave the (public library) to come home with his Mother and said “Stay away from me.  You are not allowed to be with me.  I have spoken with my attorney.”  If you did, in fact, advise (Minor Child) of that, you have violated all ethical duties as a child representative and attorney.  Why haven’t you been involved in resolving this problem and encouraging your client that it is better to spend three hours after school at his mother’s house than sitting in a public library?

My client advises me of the following additional facts:

You have encouraged (Minor Child) to call you whenever he disagrees with what his mother says or when he does not get his way and then you refuse to communicate with Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour despite the fact that she is the legal custodian.  By doing this, you are encouraging disrespect of parental boundaries and assisting in the alienation that has already been established by Dr. Finn.  Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour has repeatedly asked for a more orderly means of communication but you have refused to respond.

Dr. Hummel noted that you crossed professional boundaries at (Hospital) interfering with (Minor Child’s) (medical) care.  In August, 2011, you engaged in wildly inappropriate physical contact with (Minor Child) by forcing him to hug you.

Since September, 2010, you have refused to communicate with Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour, who has historically been the primary caretaker and the sole legal custodian.  The vast majority of conferences and telephone calls with (minor child) have occurred only when he was with Mr. Mehdipour.

At Ms. Nadig’Mehdipour’s request, you interviewed Dr. Naila Wilcox-Avery, and Dr. Rodney Avery. who told you that they had concerns that (Father) was physically abusing (Minor Child) and coaching him to make false abuse allegations against Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour.  Those doctors have reported that your refused to listen to their concerns.

You have been disrespectful and rude to (Mother) in the presence of (Minor child) and have attempted to interfere with (Minor Child’s) medical treatment by telling him, “Your mom shouldn’t take you for these assessments.”  You told (Minor Child)  “I’ll yell at your mom and make her a better mom to you.

You failed to communicate with therapist Stephanie Simpson for 11 months even though Ms. Simpson attempted to contact you repeatedly.  Rather than speaking to Ms. Simpson., you filed a Rule To Show Cause against Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour.

I have not seen you once make a negative comment about (Father) despite findings that he is abusive, an alienator, and a parent who sabotages his child’s education.  Strangely, you have nothing but negative things to say about Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour.  While I have not always agreed with GALS and Child Representatives, I have never seen one who is so actively opposed to one parent’s involvement in parenting, despite her having sole custody.

I am told that you are not being paid.  It defies logic that you are still so actively and aggressively involved despite this fact.  Please assure me as an officer of the Court that neither (Father) nor anyone else on his behalf is paying you.  Also, assure me that you are not going to use your offices to contact (Minor Child’s) high school and poison them against Ms. Nadig-Mehdipour.  I do not see that you have any reason to contact them.  You are not a parent and have no business asserting your will into this family’s issues.  Sincerely,  Karen Conti

#exposethe corruption #nataliekoga

David Pisulka, headed secret list of Cook Co. Chicago GAL’s & Child Reps, arrested & stripped of law license

Maternal Alienation, Ann Morris

“The research project, conducted in 1999 (Morris 1999), discovered that in these cases of alienation, male perpetrators of violence against the women and/or children use an arsenal of strategies to deliberately undermine mother-child relationships. Most often the mother’s intimate partner and the child’s father or step-father, they employ these tactics in a number of different abusive contexts, including domestic violence and child sexual abuse. They use verbal messages and actions to position the mother in a place where children can hate and despise her, can insult and even abuse her themselves, where any action she makes becomes further proof of the statements made about her. These messages do not have to be based on any truth  – their power is built on the commanding way in which they are conveyed, the rhetorical devices they use and the emotional responses they elicit. The messages are propaganda, and work powerfully on children, becoming more authoritative than children’s own experiences of their mother and of their abuse. As they conflict with children’s experiences, these assaults on children’s sense of reality have implications for their later mental health and healing.  

In this campaign against the mother, the alienator manipulates and inscribes upon his victims demeaning stereotypes of women and mothers. Children, coached to copy the abusive behaviour of their father, are likely to form future relationships based on these gendered stereotypes, whereby men are encouraged to use power and violence for their own ends, and women are debased and held responsible for all ills. Whilst painting the mother as unloving, stupid, mad, lying, malicious and monstrous, the father portrays himself as good, rational, victimised, but heroic. As stereotypes have cultural currency, family members, community members and professionals readily adopt these images without much awareness or criticism.  He becomes the ‘poor man’ that we easily sympathise with; the mother becomes ‘the bitch’ we love to demonise.” http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/maternal-alienation.html