Monthly Archives: April 2020

Love Endures Forever

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DroppingwateronplantLove conquers everything.  It is the powerful force within that sees us through, no matter what.  It is eternal.  It is the purest essence that we hold safe deep in our hearts.  It can’t be destroyed.  It can’t be altered.  Love withstands all tests, all trials.  It endures forever.  We stand strong, resilient, nourished and sustained by love.  We trust our hearts, and look to love, as we embrace the beauty of our dreams for a bright, beautiful future. – Lisa Nadig

“The past is the past and has nothing to do with you.  It has nothing to do with right now.  Do not let anything from your past inhibit you in this present moment.  Start over.  Start fresh.  Each day.  Each hour, if it serves you.  Heck, each minute.  Just get going. – Neal Donald Wolsch

valentines-day-heart-hands“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” —  Lucille Ball

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”— Maya Angelou

“Love will find a way through paths where wolves fear to prey.” — Lord Byron

“Love is the brightest star in life’s darkest skies.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

“Love has never been conquered, not even by the greatest army.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

59606597-rain-in-lovely-summer-garden-with-flowers-and-sunlight-outdoor-nature-background“Never underestimate the infinite love within you
It has the power to transform lives”
― Mimi Novic , The Silence Between the Sighs

“There is no one more powerful, Than the one who trusts their own heart.”― Mimi Novic, Brilliance of Dawn

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” — James Baldwin

FlowerinSun“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” — Morrie Schwartz

“Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever.” — Leo Buscaglia

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.”
— Marcus Aurelius

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Kids Tell Us In Their Own Words What It’s Like To Have A Parent Force Them To Reject Their Other Parent

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Kids share their stories of what it was like when one parent forced them to hate their other parent; the strategies and tactics.

AMother'sHeartSongsUnsilenced

One thought on “Kids Speak Out”

  1. SharonJuly 21, 2014 at 3:10 am
    Thank you kids, for sharing your stories. I’m sure you have helped a lot of other kids.

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Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) After Narcissistic Abuse

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Choose yourself. Choose your own needs, hopes, and dreams.♥

AMother'sHeartSongsUnsilenced

“Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) are the triad of emotional abuse. These three feelings can cause an overwhelming amount of self-doubt, anxiety, and unhappiness. Survivors are taught to believe that nothing they do is good enough, that they are inherently bad, and that standing up for yourself will be met with hostility. FOG tears down healthy boundaries and undermines your self-worth. It also lands you in situations where you’re constantly having to do stuff you don’t want to do, taking on an unfair burden of the emotional issues of others.

The first step toward breaking free of this is to notice what’s happening. When we’re “in the FOG”, we’re incapable of seeing the people-pleasing and avoidant behaviors that comprise it. When you stand up for yourself, you may feel afraid of retaliation or dismissal. You may feel guilty, because some part of you believes the feelings of others are…

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Domestic Violence by Proxy from One Mom’s Battle

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“When a Cluster B personality disordered individual enters the family court system they wage war upon the healthy parent. They may have been absent parents never attending school, medical or dental appointments but suddenly they attend everything, preening as the doting father or mother and may push for custody. Custody is seen as a prize. The goal is to hurt the healthy primary parent and save money via child support calculations. As part of that push they groom children to see their healthy parent as untrustworthy and self-centered (projection), with divorce or separation their fault while portraying the Cluster B parent as wounded and needing the children to shower him or her with love and affection. Children often respond to this gaslighting by siding with the abusive parent.

Once the abuser has control of the children they are able to continue stalking, harassing and abusing the former partner even when the abuser has no direct access. DV can manifest in ways such as threats to the children if they display a close relationship with the former partner, destroying the children’s favorite possessions given by the former partner and emotional abuse. Children are often coached to make false allegations about the parent.

DV by proxy is very deliberate and planned. The abusers know what they are doing and chose their controlling, coercive, and illegal behaviors. The behaviors are usually surrounded by threats and fears and often include “battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.” As the leadership council suggests, “Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.”

The main goal of the abuser is s/he will end up with complete control over the children and will use this power over his former partner, “who tried to escape the power and control of the once abusive marriage.” They do not care if the children are harmed as long as their former partner is hurt and they feel they have won.”

COMPLETE ARTICLE:  Domestic Violence by Proxy

How To Overcome Fear After Psychological Narcissistic Abuse, by Kim Saeed

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We can learn to trust ourselves again.♥

AMother'sHeartSongsUnsilenced

How To Overcome Fear After Psychological Narcissistic Abuse, by Kim Saeed

“Understanding how to overcome fear is a crucial part of narcissistic abuse recovery.  As you wander out into the world free from the narcissist’s chains, you might feel, well, off.  You probably find yourself second-guessing every decision you make. Maybe you’ve noticed your behavior is more impulsive than you remember.  This is normal.”  How To Overcome Fear After Psychological Narcissistic Abuse

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Nonviolent Communication

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I respect and admire the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and The Center for Nonviolent Communication.  His books set out a framework for communication that is positive, and allows one to safely and constructively express emotions, and deal with conflict, to create healing in relationships.  The ideals of respect, kindness and openness, while still remaining true to oneself, are values that I admire.

“Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg was the founder and director of educational services for The Center for Nonviolent Communication.

Growing up in an inner–city Detroit neighborhood Dr. Marshall Rosenberg was confronted daily with various forms of violence. Wanting to explore the causes of violence and what could be done to reduce violence, he chose to study clinical psychology and received his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1961. In 1966 he was awarded diplomat status in clinical psychology from the American Board of Examiners in Professional Psychology.

Nonviolent Communication training evolved from Dr. Rosenberg’s quest to find a way of rapidly disseminating much needed peacemaking skills. The Center for Nonviolent Communication emerged out of work he was doing with civil rights activists in the early 1960’s. During this period he also mediated between rioting students and college administrators and worked to peacefully desegregate public schools in long-segregated regions.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) is a global nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. We are dedicated to sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around the world, and, to that end, we offer International Intensive Trainings and we certify individuals as trainers.

NVC is about connecting with ourselves and others from the heart. It’s about seeing the humanity in all of us. It’s about recognizing our commonalities and differences and finding ways to make life wonderful for all of us.

CNVC is a steward of the integrity of the NVC process and a nexus point of NVC-related information and resources, including training, conflict resolution, projects and organizational consulting services. CNVC’s mission is to contribute to more sustainable, compassionate, and “life-serving” human relations in the realms of personal change, interpersonal relationship and in social systems and structures, such as business/economics, education, justice, healthcare, and peace-keeping. NVC work is being done in over 65 countries and growing, touching the lives of hundreds of thousands of people around the world

Vision:

The Center for Nonviolent Communication pursues the vision of a world where

  • everyone values everyone’s basic human needs and lives from a consciousness that connects with the universal life energy and natural oneness of all life
  • every individual embraces self-compassion
  • people joyfully and compassionately contribute to each other and resolve conflicts peacefully
  • the systems and structures we create in economics, education, justice, healthcare, peace-keeping and other areas across our global interdependent community reflect that consciousness and evaluate their actions against their contribution to life and the human needs they ultimately serve.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication

Books on Nonviolent Communication

Getting Past The Pain Between Us

This booklet focuses on the tenets of Nonviolent Communication as they are applied to a variety of settings, including the classroom and the home, and explains how to resolve conflicts peacefully. It contains illustrative exercises, sample stories, and role-playing activities that offer the opportunity for self-evaluation, discovery, and application.

Learn skills for resolving conflicts, healing old wounds, and reconciling strained relationships. Reveal the healing power of listening and speaking from the heart. Because unmet needs lie at that root of all emotional pain, the skills imparted in this manual teach how to transform depression, shame, and conflict into empowering human connections, all while and developing satisfying relationships.

Ted Talks on Nonviolent Communication:

Nonviolent Communication and Self Awareness

Vulnerable Honesty

Nonviolent Communication: How To Get Your Point Across

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Survivor’s Bill of Rights

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After many years of walking on eggshells while living under the restrictions, isolation, chaos, distractions, intrusions, negativity, distortions, untruths, half-truths, and manipulations of controlling or oppressive situations, we can become conditioned to remain in survival mode, and to think mainly of the wants and needs of others, even to feel guilty or uncomfortable if we think of our own.  We become disconnected from who we really are: our own instincts, perceptions, ideas, needs, goals, aspirations, and interests.

While we are in this process, it helps to be reminded of our basic rights.  It may feel unnatural or “off” for awhile to put ourselves first. But, over time, connecting with our true selves becomes more comfortable, and natural.  Practice makes perfect.   Recovery is possible.  Starting off with small steps every day,  bigger steps become easier.  More avenues and resources appear before us.  A new life, free from the control of others is waiting, and it’s worth it! This article I found on Survivor’s Bill of Rights can be very helpful.

Survivor’s Bill of Rights

havoca bill of rightsAs a Matter of Personal AUTHORITY, You Have the Right ..

* to manage your life according to your own values and judgment.
* to direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals, effort, or progress.
* to gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery.
* to seek help from a variety of sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity.

FULL ARTICLE:  Survivor’s Bill of Rights

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Happy Easter To Separated Families

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May the precious memories of holidays together warm your hearts today, and every day, until you can be together again.  And may you find the courage to just reach out.  You are so deeply loved and so very deeply missed.   Please just take that first step – that’s all it takes.   It will be worth it.  Your family member is waiting, hoping & praying to hear from you every day.  They long to welcome you with open arms.  Nothing, absolutely nothing can ever take your place.  Being separated was never something any of you wanted – it was forced upon you by people with their own agendas.  Don’t let them win.

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Learned Helplessness

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Learned Helplessness is a common challenge for survivors of trauma, controlling or toxic relationships, abuse, and exploitation.  The survivor has learned through repeated experience, that in order to stay “safe”, they must not challenge the status quo.  That they have no power over their situation anyway and must flip into freeze mode.  They go numb to what is happening around them.  Pretty soon this numbness is the go-to mode.  There is no more of the natural fight or flight response.  It has become eliminated.  Only freeze remains.

People who feel powerless to change their adverse circumstances quite naturally become depressed.  But Depression only worsens the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.  Depression colors our world grey, narrows our focus to the point we can no longer see any shades of light or possibility.  Depression and Learned Helplessness feed off of one another, and the cycle is perpetuated.

Hurtful, toxic relationships, controlling people, abusive, demeaning and traumatic situations do not empower us to be the best versions of ourselves, to think and act powerfully and authentically for ourselves.  They do the opposite.  They ensnare us into becoming dis-empowered, ineffective, cowering, hesitant, over-thinking, emotionally frozen and helpless servants of the agendas of others.

In order to heal, and become self-actualized individuals – to become our best, most effective selves, we must be able to live free of controlling, toxic, and negative situations.  Like a plant in an overcrowded garden starved of sunshine and nutrients growing spindly, crooked and malnourished, so the survivor becomes stunted by learned helplessness.  Only when the plant is freed from overcrowding can it bask in the sun and be completely nourished, and grow to full potential.  Only when people can live in peace and freedom, can they begin to have their needs met, and begin to grow, learn, and peel back the layers of helpless, ineffectual thought and behavior patterns that were learned over time.

Though it is a process, we can learn new ways of thinking.  We can learn new approaches to living, decision-making, identifying and working towards our own goals, and self-development.  When we make our own needs and self-care a priority, we can gradually un-learn helplessness.  Our brains have great plasticity, and our own confidence, courage, effectiveness and empowerment can be re-learned.

Some articles on Learned Helplessness:

Medical News Today: Learned Helplessness

Learned Helplessness and C-PTSD

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I miss my Son.

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We’re supposed to be strong.  Get over it.  Move on.  Re-build your life.  Don’t make others uncomfortable with your grief and pain.  Don’t let anyone see your tears.  Wipe them away, and get back to work.

But nobody has ever found a plan to make the pain of missing your child go away.   And here we are, another holiday weekend is starting.  There is nothing more painful than spending it without your child.  I miss my Son.  Every minute of every day.