“You’re Dead To Me,” Why Estrangement Hurts So Much
Posted Oct 03, 2014, Psychology Today
During the early stages of researching family estrangement I received a phone call from a woman named Cathy*. She didn’t want to be a part of my research. She needed to tell me something. I didn’t realise how important or memorable it would be until I interviewed more and more people and the same theme emerged. She told me that she was a mother of two children – both were lost to her. One had died from cancer in his teens and the other had estranged in her early 20s. I will never forget her words: “The pain of your child dying is incredible, but losing a child to estrangement is unbearable– it hurts so, so much more”.
When a person is estranged by a family member, they generally experience a range of immediate grief, loss and trauma responses. Bodily responses such as shaking, crying and feeling faint are common, alongside emotional responses such as disbelief, denial and anger. People often ruminate over the estrangement event or the events that led up to the estrangement. Over time, most acute emotions and bodily responses seem to decrease in intensity, and generalised feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment might emerge.
AMother'sHeartSongsUnsilenced 
I am a mother of 4 daughters who were taken from me in December by my abusive ex husband. He has managed to get the court to give him full custody and even write it in the judgement that i cannot have any contact with my children whatsoever. I cannot even bring them to doctor or school or contact anyone to ask how they are doing in school or doctors for their health. I have been completely banned from my daughter’s lives. They are allowed to come “visit” me every other weekend but their dad even denys my visitation most of the time. This is a horrible horrifying situation my daughters and i are in. I am being treated like I am a criminal yet I did not do anything except want a divorce. I am a good Christian woman who raised my daughters for 17 years with good morals and values and they just took them away in the blink of an eye. My littlest one is 4 years old. My fear is that she will never really know me. She will not be able to grow up with her own mother. I am trying to contact groups like yours to get information on what I can do to get my daughters back.
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